Giving up

I seriously wanted to let go of everything. I could not stand the hurt of the silence treatment - what did I do so wrong that people refused to talk to me and look at me with 'that look?' I was hungry, had to eat, went up late, and then got the silent treatment. I was slow in my work - deliberating on the punishment, wanting to know the background of the offender, the logic to the offence - and I received the silent treatment. I did not understand the order of things, was blur and was dense - and still got the silent treatment.

So much for sisterly ukhwah.

So much for isolation.

Can't imagine to be in the same room and coming into the room - Bang! Cold blast of silence eating away at the flesh, the heart, the soul ... cruel.Very cruel.

My solace has always been with the students. When a troubled boy, who had just had his tie taken away smiled at me the next minute, i know i have touched him more than if i had just asked him to clean the toilet and stayed back for detentions. When students who were not there could come home and said 'Mdm was so sad she cried -', well, maybe the tears were not shed in vain. When i trudged wearily back to the staffroom and found my S1 mentees with a huge home-cooked brownie just for me, their Mentor, that speaks more volume than all the bonuses the school can give. Or would ever give. =)

Life is never easy, but if we could still smile above everything else, still feel Allah's presence in everythingelse, then the tears and the pain would have been worth it.

So, almost gave up. Almost.

Alhamdulillah, the students, the hope, the smiles and the tawakal finally won.