Remembering 'Shauqina'

It used to hurt whenever i think of my 'shauqina'. i did not understand why i must be feeling that way, to be pining that way, because it was wrong. very wrong. it is wrong to be feeling that way. and i promised that i will never go down that path again - enough for this once, i was caught unaware and when i realised what was happening, i was too deep in the quagmire to pull out. painful and shameful. that was all i can say here.

but enough.

Alhamdulillah, 'Remembering Shauqina' was finally 'published' at $3 per book. i had money for only 20 copies. The first copy I gave to Shifak, the little S4 girl with big eyes, who actually gave me the confidence to go ahead and publish and heck care with what others felt. She was always so encouraging, so sweetly supportive. The first book goes to her. I am keeping one for Lino - for she is among the S509 who have inspired me and kept me going to complete the book. Not forgetting she was the first to cry and asked me to change the ending. I might give one to Ishak, for he inspired me to write one incident based on his experience. But the irony is that, I will not give Shauqina to the person who inspired me to write on Zak. In fact, now that I ponder on it, Zak is a conglomeration of a few pple, existing in one. Confusing, huh?

but enough.

My S511 girls have been my staunchest supporters - they actually circulated the original compilation until the cover was in in tatters - they even had a list of names of those who have read the story and many more were on the waiting list but the exams was near.

I have put up the story on wattpad and the result has been alhamdulillah. :)
This has encouraged me to write more - am toying with the idea of writing a more adult tone book, you know - maybe focusing on Zak's family's dysfunctionality and writing in the third voice, to give more room to analyse the characters. :) InsyaAllah.

I also plan, insyaAllah, to put Arya on paper too, just for memory sake.

Ya Allah! Above all, may the pen you gave me be used to spread glad tidings and rememberance of you, my Creator, my Most Merciful Sustainer. And may the dream of forming a pool of English Muslim writers who inspire come true. Ameen.

Giving up

I seriously wanted to let go of everything. I could not stand the hurt of the silence treatment - what did I do so wrong that people refused to talk to me and look at me with 'that look?' I was hungry, had to eat, went up late, and then got the silent treatment. I was slow in my work - deliberating on the punishment, wanting to know the background of the offender, the logic to the offence - and I received the silent treatment. I did not understand the order of things, was blur and was dense - and still got the silent treatment.

So much for sisterly ukhwah.

So much for isolation.

Can't imagine to be in the same room and coming into the room - Bang! Cold blast of silence eating away at the flesh, the heart, the soul ... cruel.Very cruel.

My solace has always been with the students. When a troubled boy, who had just had his tie taken away smiled at me the next minute, i know i have touched him more than if i had just asked him to clean the toilet and stayed back for detentions. When students who were not there could come home and said 'Mdm was so sad she cried -', well, maybe the tears were not shed in vain. When i trudged wearily back to the staffroom and found my S1 mentees with a huge home-cooked brownie just for me, their Mentor, that speaks more volume than all the bonuses the school can give. Or would ever give. =)

Life is never easy, but if we could still smile above everything else, still feel Allah's presence in everythingelse, then the tears and the pain would have been worth it.

So, almost gave up. Almost.

Alhamdulillah, the students, the hope, the smiles and the tawakal finally won.

Pabila DIA berbicara

Dengarkanlah ketika DIA berbicara -
Dalam redup renungan senyuman suami yang memanjang
Dalam keberkahan ilmu ibadah anak-anak kesampaian
Dalam luas ketenangan akal, fikiran dan perasaan
Pada gugusan guguran butiran jernih iman keinsafan -

Disitulah DIA berbicara : 'Bersyukurlah'

Dengarkanlah ketika DIA berbicara -
Dalam jelingan sinis muncung bibir suami kedengusan
Dalam kebiadapan budi pekerti akhlak anak-anak keciciran
Dalam kekusutan minda, kegelapan jalan terang tiada di hadapan
Pada hati yang keras membatu - degil segagah gunung tinggi mengganang -

Disitulah DIA berbicara : 'Bertaubatlah'