Saturday, October 29, 2011

Remembering 'Shauqina'

It used to hurt whenever i think of my 'shauqina'. i did not understand why i must be feeling that way, to be pining that way, because it was wrong. very wrong. it is wrong to be feeling that way. and i promised that i will never go down that path again - enough for this once, i was caught unaware and when i realised what was happening, i was too deep in the quagmire to pull out. painful and shameful. that was all i can say here.

but enough.

Alhamdulillah, 'Remembering Shauqina' was finally 'published' at $3 per book. i had money for only 20 copies. The first copy I gave to Shifak, the little S4 girl with big eyes, who actually gave me the confidence to go ahead and publish and heck care with what others felt. She was always so encouraging, so sweetly supportive. The first book goes to her. I am keeping one for Lino - for she is among the S509 who have inspired me and kept me going to complete the book. Not forgetting she was the first to cry and asked me to change the ending. I might give one to Ishak, for he inspired me to write one incident based on his experience. But the irony is that, I will not give Shauqina to the person who inspired me to write on Zak. In fact, now that I ponder on it, Zak is a conglomeration of a few pple, existing in one. Confusing, huh?

but enough.

My S511 girls have been my staunchest supporters - they actually circulated the original compilation until the cover was in in tatters - they even had a list of names of those who have read the story and many more were on the waiting list but the exams was near.

I have put up the story on wattpad and the result has been alhamdulillah. :)
This has encouraged me to write more - am toying with the idea of writing a more adult tone book, you know - maybe focusing on Zak's family's dysfunctionality and writing in the third voice, to give more room to analyse the characters. :) InsyaAllah.

I also plan, insyaAllah, to put Arya on paper too, just for memory sake.

Ya Allah! Above all, may the pen you gave me be used to spread glad tidings and rememberance of you, my Creator, my Most Merciful Sustainer. And may the dream of forming a pool of English Muslim writers who inspire come true. Ameen.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Giving up

I seriously wanted to let go of everything. I could not stand the hurt of the silence treatment - what did I do so wrong that people refused to talk to me and look at me with 'that look?' I was hungry, had to eat, went up late, and then got the silent treatment. I was slow in my work - deliberating on the punishment, wanting to know the background of the offender, the logic to the offence - and I received the silent treatment. I did not understand the order of things, was blur and was dense - and still got the silent treatment.

So much for sisterly ukhwah.

So much for isolation.

Can't imagine to be in the same room and coming into the room - Bang! Cold blast of silence eating away at the flesh, the heart, the soul ... cruel.Very cruel.

My solace has always been with the students. When a troubled boy, who had just had his tie taken away smiled at me the next minute, i know i have touched him more than if i had just asked him to clean the toilet and stayed back for detentions. When students who were not there could come home and said 'Mdm was so sad she cried -', well, maybe the tears were not shed in vain. When i trudged wearily back to the staffroom and found my S1 mentees with a huge home-cooked brownie just for me, their Mentor, that speaks more volume than all the bonuses the school can give. Or would ever give. =)

Life is never easy, but if we could still smile above everything else, still feel Allah's presence in everythingelse, then the tears and the pain would have been worth it.

So, almost gave up. Almost.

Alhamdulillah, the students, the hope, the smiles and the tawakal finally won.

Pabila DIA berbicara

Dengarkanlah ketika DIA berbicara -
Dalam redup renungan senyuman suami yang memanjang
Dalam keberkahan ilmu ibadah anak-anak kesampaian
Dalam luas ketenangan akal, fikiran dan perasaan
Pada gugusan guguran butiran jernih iman keinsafan -

Disitulah DIA berbicara : 'Bersyukurlah'

Dengarkanlah ketika DIA berbicara -
Dalam jelingan sinis muncung bibir suami kedengusan
Dalam kebiadapan budi pekerti akhlak anak-anak keciciran
Dalam kekusutan minda, kegelapan jalan terang tiada di hadapan
Pada hati yang keras membatu - degil segagah gunung tinggi mengganang -

Disitulah DIA berbicara : 'Bertaubatlah'

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Kata pujangga

 Untuk renungan bersama......

Kata pujangga
perempuan bagaikan angin
lembutnya melenakan
ributnya menggusarkan.

Adakalanya mereka seperti ibu
menyaji kasih, menghidang sayang
adakalanya mereka seperti anak
ingin dibelai, minta dimanjakan
adakalanya mereka seperti nenek
berleter seadanya, merungut semahuannya.

Namun,
merekalah insan yang terhampir
teman kembara dalam kehidupan yang sementara ini.
bahagia dan derita kita sangat berkait dengan mereka.

( i )

Psst....
Tiba-tiba isteri merajuk
pandai-pandailah memujuk
buka telinga, tajamkan pendengaran,amati suaranya
teliti dengan hati yang terseni
rasional atau emosi ?
andainya emosi, belailah emosi itu
jangan cuba dihadapkan secara rasional
kerana sidia tak akan terdaya
mengunyah hujah,berilah walau seribu sebab
lengkap dengan perangkaan statistik
atau dokumen saintifik
berserta dengan beberapa affidavit
dia tetap melulu kerana fikiran sudah berjerebu.

Dalam situasi ini
fikiran telah ditawan perasaan
sebaiknya, perhaluskan kata, perindahkan bahasa
jinakkan perasaan, hadiahkan senyuman.

Masih gagal ?
cuba gunakan sentuhan
semarakkan belaian.

Masih gagal juga ?
Tunggu saja rajuknya reda
emosi isteri
bagai riak-riak air dalam cawan
jangan digoncang...... buat selamba
lambat laun, gelombang akan tenang
air dicawan akan kita minum jua.

Tapi awas.....
kalau ternyata, rajuknya berfakta
masamnya berdata, geramnya berilmiah
marahnya ada prima facie
ini rajuk taraf tinggi namanya
perlu ditangani berhati-hati
kalau ternyata benar,apa salahnya kita terima
mengaku lalu berjanji serta berikrar
" Sayang abang tak ulang lagi "
katakan " Sayang....abang alpa "
bisikkan " Darling.. I lupa.."
hulurkan tangan, pinta kemaafan
pendekatan kasanova, tapi hati suci

Rajuk isteri seperti mangga muda
perisanya masam
tetapi...
kalau kena cicahnya
enaknya akan terasa.
ingat, api yang panas, padam oleh salji yang dingin.

( ii )

Arghh...
tiba-tiba isteri merungut
malah kadangkala agak mengugut
minta aksesori serta perabut
minta Villa yang tersergam indah
atau mahligai di lereng bukit
sedangkan kita bukan Shah Jehan
yang mampu membina Taj Mahal buat isterinya
tetapi isteri pula, persis Nur Jehan
yang meminta petanda keagungan cintanya
Katanya " Seabadi permata....
segermelapan intan " ...
sedangkan ditangan kita
cuma cincin tembaga.

Aduh...
peritnya mengukur cinta
dalam ukuran mayam atau menimbang setia
menerusi Bursa Saham papan utama
kasih isteri, turun naik
mengikut kadar tukaran wang asing.

Tiada guna menyesali diri
diakan dulu pilihan kita ?
semasa mekarnya
dia dihargai, dipuja-puji
dia kini sudah menjadi ibu
pada anak-anak kita
sudah takdir...
permata yang dipilih
perlu digilap semula.

Namun
putus asa jangan sekali
terimalah dia, dengan redha.
justeru isteri
pada hakikatnya
adalah bayang-bayang suami
wanita adalah tulang rusuk yang bengkok
luruskan dengan berhati-hati bertegas tapi jangan berkeras
lembut tapi jangan reput.

Katakan $ bukan segala-galanya
lalu pada saat yang kudus
setelah bersolat bersama
bisikkanlah " Duhai isteriku...
marilah kita bina perkahwinan ini
dengan cinta yang sejati
marilah kita kutip rezeki
dengan keringat tersuci
kita cari harta, tetapi itu bukan segala-galanya
padamu isteri,istanamu, di hati ini
padamu sayang
kalung cintamu, di jiwa ini."

( iii )

Puuuh...
Akan tiba masanya bila 'isteri' di hati tapi kurang di mata
usia meningkat kecantikan tergugat
dulu yang kita lihat mulus kini beransur pupus
betis, tidak lagi bunting padi
pipi, bukan lagi pauh dilayang
apakah dengan itu akan berkurang cinta kita ?
jika berkurang, nyatalah cinta kita
selama ini cinta di mata bertapak di body
tapi jika cinta tetap kekal malah semakin bertambah
ertinya cinta kita di hati, berpasak di budi.
itulah cinta sejati.

Namun tidak salah
di samping menyanjung budi,
kita merampingkan 'body'
kalau ada kesempatan
ajaklah dia bersenam, amalkan puasa sunat
tapi ingat niat kerana Tuhan
bukan kerana ingin kuruskan badan
tapi Tuhan Maha Penyayang
Dia pasti membantu isteri yang memburu keredhaan suami
tak salah kalau mohon kesihatan, kecantikan dan kecergasan
sama-samalah merampinkan badan
yang terlebih dikurangkan
jangan sesekali mencemuh apalagi menjauh
apa gunanya membandingkan isteri dengan perawan.

Bukan masanya lagi merenung dara
tapi kini saat menghitung dosa
lalu ajaklah isteri sama-sama menambah bakti
moga-moga cinta kita kekal ke hujung usia
di dunia ini dan di akhirat nanti
itulah yang dikatakan
hidup berdua, 'selepas' mati pun bersama.

( iv )

Uhhh....
Kekadang isteri mengamuk
dengan ombak prasangka dan taufan cemburu

Apa bukti setiamu suami ?
Apakah tandanya hanya aku di hatimu ?
kekadang disergahnya kita
ketika keringat masih membasah
baru menjengah pintu rumah.

Ketika itu nilailah diri
mungkin kita berdosa dengan Tuhan
atau bersalah dengan insan
mungkin banyak kezaliman dan penganiayaan
yang telah kita lakukan

Lalu datang teguran, amaran dan peringatan
secara 'indirect' dari Tuhan
hadapkanlah diri ke cermin hati
kaji diri satu persatu
kalau liar, berhentilah
kalau berdosa, bertaubatlah

Sebaliknya jika ternyata isteri yang melulu
nasihatkanlah baik-baik
bukan senang nak senang
ingatlah mustika kata dalam kitab-kitab tua
suami yang bersabar dengan isteri yang jahat
akan mendapat pahala Nabi Ayub
atau ingatlah pesan Sayidina Umar al-Khattab
ketika didatangi seorang suami yang dileteri isteri :

"Bersabarlah, kerana sesungguhnya isteri telah banyak
membantu kita. Dia yang menyelamatkan kita daripada
amukan nafsu.
Dia yang membantu menjaga makan minum kita.
Dia yang mencuci kain baju kita
Dia yang membantu membersihkan rumah kita...
lalu apa salahnya kita bersabar dengan sedikit kerenahnya ? "

( v )

Marilah sama-sama kita tabur secubit salji pada segenggam api.
Telah banyak kita dengar cerita keruntuhan, kisah perpisahan.
Marilah kita suburkan kembali pohon perkahwinan ini
walaupun sudah berdekad-dekad usianya.

Institusi ini adalah kubu terakhir kita.
Marilah kita pertahankan bersama si dia.
si diaku, si diamu
cinta kita jangan mati dalam arus dunia siber,
biar setia kita makin waja.
Biarlah skrin-skrin internet atau intranet memaparkan
yang indah-indah pantulan seri rumah tangga kita.

Bicara ini diakhiri dengan satu coretan
yang mungkin boleh diguriskan pada kad hari lahir isteri
atau kad ulang tahun perkahwinan
atau surat biru yang ingin kau utuskan padanya...

Atau kau pahatkan saja di halaman hatimu
pada malam nanti :

Aku hanya seorang suami
yang menerima setulus hati
seorang isteri.
Janji yang termeterai
di akad nikah kita musim yang lalu.
Salam kuhulur
buat menyapa hatimu nan luhur.
Bersamalah kita harungi
derita yang datang.
Bersatulah kita tempuhi
nikmat yang bertandang.
Denai perkahwinan
pasti dihujani air mata.
Biar kita rasa: rupanya syurga itu
sangat tinggi maharnya.

Isteri...
tidak kutagih setia, sesetia Hawa.
Atau kerinduan menggila Laila
yang sangat dalam.
Terimalah kehadiranku
di sudut tersuci di dalam hatimu.....
seorang isteri.







 

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tears

Much tears shed
Much tears shared
If the shed and the shared
Are kaffarah for my sins -
Ya Rabb!
Grant me the softness of heart
For tears shed
Grant me the strength and wisdom
For tears shared
And let not me be among those who are deaf, dumb and blind.
Aameeen.

Hiatus

Not that i have stopped writing-
What i don't care to write about are mundane, meaningless happenings,
What i do care to write on are oft times - too complicated, too close to the heart, too close to TRUTH
I rather let be seen whats supposed to be seen -
And leave the unseen, unspoken - to the One who Sees everything...
Allahu Hafeez...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Before you marry, son

You have all most probably heard the touching advice the mother gave to her daughter just before her wedding day. But have you heard of the advice of the mother given to her son? Happened to come across this - so here goes:

My son,
Choose a wife, if you must, for her beauty
For that beauty will make you always want to see her
Will make you proud as you parade her before others
Marry her for her beauty, if that's what you want

My son,
Choose a wife, if you must, for her status
For that status will make you strong in the eyes of others
Will open up doors to earthly pleasures and powers
Marry her for her status, if that's what you want

My son,
Choose a wife, if you must, for the Faith that is in her,
For her fear in Allah will fill your house
with rememberance of the Almighty
For her patience because of Allah
will make her a tireless servant in the house
For her acceptance in Allah's Will
will make her have you in her mind and soul
will make her puts you above all the rest
always

an oasis of peace-
a well of wisdom for your progeny-
She might not be a Beauty
nor a Somebody
but her face will calm you in times of anger
her Iman will elevate you in times of distress
her sense of responsibility will make her try
to be the best mother possible
For your wife might not go to heaven because of you
But YOU will not go there too because of your children

So, should all beauty, status and even love be gone -
at least there's that face that will calm you
at least the laughter will soothe your jittery nerves
at least the smile will make all things seem right and bright
at least her brains will help you see things clearer and better
at least her Iman will lead your children and you to happiness
in this life and the next

Choose a wife such as her, then
if that's what you want