Life

When I was in secondary school, I thought I would never reach 21 years old. Being that old was beyond my imaginings. Life then was full of concerns for friendship, parents' nagging, homework, nasty teachers, crushes (yes, even in a girls' school) and of course - hockey. That was my world then and it was REAL, very real to me, the teenager. Nobody else had problems like I had - or so I thought. Nobody understands my angst - or so I thought. My friends and I went 'happily' about our living - believing that life, the world, the universe, revolved around us. And so we thought. :)

And as I reflect, I was pretty much a day to day person - which was good, and bad, at the same time. It was good because I basically did not have expectations of life, as it is. Life was to be lived as happily as I could, as piously as I could, as goodly as I could and as sinlessly as I could, especially in relation with others. :) I had no expectations of who or what kind of person I would want as my husband, as an example. Not like my friends whose list of what they look for in a life partner was pretty long, I can assure you. :) Which was good. On hindsight. :) A day to day person means you don't exactly plan for your future - which I think is bad. Alhamdulillah, financially I am alright, but I do have friends who have PLANNED well ahead and alhamdulillah, they are stable, really stable financially now. :) Which is good. Very good.

And so it is, with every major phase of my life. Never thought I would live this far. But, Alhamdulillah.

And of course, at 45, age is catching up on me now. Fast. :) Which is good. And bad too. Of course. :) The fact that I am reminiscing now is a sure sign of old age. :) I remember easily my students' father's name, rather than theirs. Which is bad. I sounded just like my Cikgu used to... I'll remember Ngaliman, rather than the poor boy's name. Sorry. Hadi is now serving NS. A policeman. Halim will be 21 years this March, insyaAllah. A legal adult. :) I looked at the happenings around me and go like - "hmmm..this seems familiar - dejavu" or I would looked upon events and people, almost cynically, knowing, and I mean, REALLY knowing, that some people won't change, ever, and that some things you really cannot change. Ever. Fatalistic? :) Hmm...I would like rather to think of it as acceptance. Acceptance of a Will higher, stronger, most powerful, yet most Compassionate than anything or anyone else. Alhamdulillah. I rather leave everything to HIM now, than to bank on anything on anyone else. It is simpler that way. And more peaceful too. Alhamdulillah. :)

However, youth is all around me. When I look on my students, I remembered how I used to be and kind of understand if they think of themselves as invincible to death, to diseases, to all things bad, because the young do look upon the world with rose-tinted glasses. Yes, you all do. Really. I have sons who keep me up to date with the latest music, the latest fad, the latest gossips, the latest of the latest. I think. :) They introduced me to fb and I experienced its usefulness and saw and fall prey too, to fb's darker side. I have a four year old daughter who always brings out the child in me and we will be having loads of rubbish fun fooling around. Well, I did, anway. Did you too Nina? :) To reach to her, to them - my sons, my students - I have to try and understand their life, this age they live in and sometimes speak their lingo too. As it is.

So at times, youth and age collide. :)

Ergo, how do one grow old gracefully and beautifully? I think growing old is not about feeling young, or looking young forever. That would be so awful and so superficial. Nobody would find it 'cute' or 'cool' to see a 45 year old who dressed and looked like someone half her age. That is twilight zone, for sure. :) I think the trick is to be able to look on things and people with the wisdom of age - knowing, understanding, yet not 'living' that youth. But I think it is also wrong for age to make you jaded, or cynical, or stop 'growing'. (Which I am in danger of becoming...) One must still be able to look upon Allah's world with awe and curiosity, for only then will we appreciate this life that we have been given, this 'choice' HE has made in choosing US to live, to be born. I am reminded of The Mentalist - who reads people accurately, who looks on things with understanding, knowing there are layers to what meets the eye - the wisdom of age. Yet, you would see him the next moment grinning like a six year old as he sat on the harvester for the first time.

Afterall, our dear Prohet s.a.w enjoined seeking knowledge from the cradle to the grave. Our Prophet s.a.w also said Allah blessed the young man who acts wisely and elderly. Of benefit is the servant who reminds himself always of the certainty of death. White hair is like light. Blessed are those who use the walking stick even though he does not need too. :)

May our age be blessed and may we all grow old gracefully and meaningfully. Ameen.